I get this overwhelming anger when I think of all of it. This anger that makes my gut twist and my heart race — a kind of anger that sticks around just beneath the surface. I always thought of it as depression. Granted, maybe it is and I am misinterpreting all of this as anger, but I just know what I immediately feel.
It took me about a year ago to figure out what my problem was. Why I randomly freak out on people for little mistakes they make or over-exaggerate others. This anger and insecurity I have mainly revolves around relationships and other forms of dating, and one of the reasons I try to stay away from romantic relationships. I have this fear of never being good enough. And by that, I mean I have to be number 1.
This wasn’t a trait of mine growing up; rather, something I developed when I reached college. After being average for so long, I got sick of being walked on by everyone. Not to mention, I had my first love break-up with me to be with another girl. I literally have always been #2 or just not good enough. I wasn’t the worst option, I just wasn’t the first for anyone and anything.
Here we are, I am 22 years old, and I have this feeling taking over my life. I feel like when relationships I have don’t work out, I fixate on what they wanted and what I needed to be to become good enough. I started this trend with my ex. I starved myself (mostly because I was too depressed to eat, but whatever), exercised twice a day, redid my wardrobe, drank a lot, partied a lot, joined a sorority, joined clubs and honors societies, got into fights, was awarded for my academic success, graduated from undergraduate in 2 years and became someone everyone wanted to be or be with. Yet, I am still not good enough for him.
From the list above of things I did in order to find myself, I based it off of ‘her’; the new girl who had transfixed his desire. She was very thin, tall, brunette, sorority girl, honors society, and loved to dance. Aside from the dancing, this is what I strove to be, to be this girl because that was evidently what ‘he’ wanted, right? As I chased this perfect thing, I somehow lost and found myself. I drank, almost got myself raped, lost friends, got in trouble with the university, and tried to kill myself. Throughout all of that, I discovered who I was. I became an extremely motivated and ambitious person. I joined a sorority and met my best friend. I was accepted into great graduate schools and I received numerous honors from the university. I found my place in life because I tried to be someone else. How ironic.
Today, I’m experiencing whiplash. I’ve come to terms that I’m never going to get Adam back. He is always going to be someone I love, just not the person I am meant to be with. And now, every guy I date, I am overcome with the insecurity that they are thinking about someone else when they are with me. That I lack in relationship knowledge, despite my other life successes. I want to know what they see and why my newer relationships won’t last. Is it because I am still not good enough? Or am I too good and men are too intimidated by me? I don’t understand, and that anxiety is building slowly and peaks out of its shell every now and again when I feel my place is threatened.
Like I said, I don’t know how I got like this. I could blame it on my ex, my parents, friendships even, but I truly don’t know its source and I wish it would just go away.